sobbing.

i know that

third chances

are a big stretch

and its hard to regain trust

but i want nothing more

right here, right now

than to spend 

the rest of my life 

with you

as i sit here

with tears rolling

out of my eyes

chin trembling

throat tight

i just want to

ask you for

nothing more

than to trust me

i learned a lesson

and i will never

ever

leave the only

person in the world

i have ever truly loved.

 

scarydreams beautifulnightmares

with each passing night
the dreams become
outrageously vivid
slept for two hours
nothing but dreams
about you and sometimes me
tossing and turning
when i wasn't there
awaken by a piercing shrill
of the alarm clock
bringing me back to reality
reminding me of the
three hour drive home
i was sort of relieved
for some peace and quiet
on the long morning road
but lord knows that
you were still on my mind
i thought i would smoke
but the drugs don't work
songs lost their meaning
i couldn't even sing along
drive seemed to take
longer than usual
professor speaks
but i'm in my head
eyes glazed over
lost in thought
in haunting day dreams
perhaps a short rest
to regain energy will
calm my mind
i was awoken
to a nightmare
of you updating me
through the only means
of communication i have
saying you loved
a girl named katie
i don't know who
this girl may be
but i hope it really was
a dream and not a premonition
for my mouth was dry
and my body was sweating

i just want to sleep good for one night.

thats all i ask.

nopictures

a good friend said

she's seen you about

bar hopping downtown

she said you seemed

happy and carefree

i can't even express

the nausea i felt

when she told me

how often you've

been spotted

girls dancing

all around you

as if the pictures

of you wrapping

your arms around her

on halloween wasn't

enough for me to bear

i don't want to imagine

all the girls you've kissed

fondled, flirted

or slept with

but my mind is racing

and it can't slow down

you were made

just for me and

no one else

i'm sure you've seen

the pictures of me and him

but tomorrow 

they will be gone

leaving space

for pictures that

have not yet been taken

of our faces smiling

in pure, unwavering happiness

for those

images of love

will be solely ours

i wish i could

stop worrying 

about every little thing

you do without me

stop thinking

about how you might

be happier without me

i can't let you go

its killing me inside

i wish she didn't tell me

it may have kept me sane

because i'm not even

close to being

complete without you.

statusupdate

the way you word

my insight into your life

makes me think

that you dont need

anything to do with

me anymore

you'll do it better

when he's gone

you say

i am strung
between the two
possibilities of interpretation

either you are going

to be able to move on

knowing that i'm alone

or you are going to

treat me better than

he ever could

but i hope you know

that no one compares 

to you at all

it makes my 

stomach of steel

twist and turn

up into my throat

where it will make

its home until

i have any sort of relief

and i pray for the
outcome of you and i

otherwise the serpent

writhing in my throat

might just suffocate me

bark&bite

i left him last night
it was meant to be
swift, kind, and simple
yet this spell it seems
i have cast over him
made it difficult and harsh

yet my tears were false
i remained collected in my mind

not like when it happened
between us
because i regretted every
single second and word 
that was said

but now its over
between him and i

 i hope that
its not over for us

so i hope the news
floats your way

i know it wont change your mind
but maybe i can

just a lonely time

its too soon to be christmas

i don't want to be without you

i want our own tree

decorated with handmade ornaments

tinsel and candycanes

with presents galore

but the only thing i really need

is you by my side

to keep me cozy and warm

wearemonsters

last night i

was surrounded by

fragments of

your life

that got me 

so close

i could almost 

feel you

the mention of

your name starts

my heart racing

as fast as my mind

i'm not quite sure

what i thought 

it would accomplish

to be in close company

yet so far

he said you lectured him

lectured

like i'm an evil

plague of a woman

and they do not yet

see the danger

 w h a t  h a v e  w e  b e c o m e ?

loudest tones

i started looking for excuses

to make it okay to leave

i started looking for a warning sign

to support my arguement

when the truth is

there was every reason to stay

i should not have let you go

s o  i  c r a w l  b a c k  i n t o  y o u r 

o p e n  a r m s

lowtidedreams

i had a dream

last night

that i called him

accidentally

and when i heard

his voice

i froze

my mouth couldn't

form any words

i couldn't push

the end button

until i heard

his friends laughing

in the background

i woke up to

moist eyes

and racing heart

with no real touch

but my body

tingling all over

1501constantine

i should be ashamed of myself

driving past his house

hoping to see him

though he's hundreds of miles away

maybe i was just looking

for ghosts of him

to feel closer

fulfilling my need

to see what it

could have been

the house i loathed

that was always too dark

could have turned

into a home where

every hidden corner

was filled with strands of sunlight

thoughts that fill my dreams

when the ghosts aren't

keeping me awake

tossing and turning

until the sun starts to

peak through the blinds

i'm sure the only chance i have

at a full nights sleep

are those little blue pills

i refuse to use

or a familiar voice

settling my racing mind

starlightstarbright

i watched the sky fall last night

and made a wish

upon every dazzling meteor

hoping it would work

the same as a star

to bring us back together

and make life easier

perhaps even a little wish

to not lose

all the friendships i've made

over this past year

when i decide its time

to actually lets the sky fall

so we can build a

solar system of our own

newclothes

today i realized that
new cotton threads
stitched together
in various colors
shapes
and sizes
cure the feeling
of discontent
and melancholy

until the day is done
and i peel off the
materialized joy
revealing my
naked body
and the old feelings
that will remain
no matter how many layers
i pile on outside.

and the yellow leaves start to fall

and so i'll be waiting by the phone

until you decide to call me back

i know its never going to be easy

it just kills me to think that you

have moved on and forgotten about me.

p.s.

cold weather doesn't feel the same without you.

its a horrible feeling 

to know the only way

to be close to someone

you miss so badly

is to spend hours upon hours

looking at pictures

snuggling with the pillow

that no longer smells like him

and worn t shirts

that remind me of time

where being obsessed 

with him was okay

i think until i talk to him

until i see him

until i hold him

there is going to be

a void in my heart

that i won't be able to fill

i was stupid to end it so soon.

i was so happy this summer.

why did i make the choice to move on without him in my life?

never have i made such bad judgment

i want to make more memories with you

i want to do all the things that aren't the same without you

i want to sit in the house that we tried so hard to make a home

and cuddle,

laugh,

watch movies, lost, 

and you play video games

i miss you playing with me

i miss your kiss, your smell, and yes, even the hamster.

i miss the love, and the enjoyment we got from each other

even if we were both sick and hadn't showered in a few days

i  m i s s  b e i n g  c o m p l e t e l y  c o m f o r t a b l e  i n  m y  s k i n

the only reason i fall asleep now lately
is to wake up with my morning coffee
only once a year,
silk releases pumpkin spice
i enjoy my coffee four shades
lighter
creamier
simply amazing
it makes me feel as if 
everyday will be filled with
the love and warmth
it gives me

c u e  t h e  l e t  d o w n.

love//hate

this is the mark of a year without cigarettes

yet the want for one has never been so strong

smoke whirling through my lungs

  moist earthy flavor intoxicating taste buds

     release of weighty breath

 few seconds of complete relaxation

if only no bad could come from it

cancer

the scariest word

not worth the risk

the risk

multiply by year

thirteen

nineteen

your welcome

body

please stop me

from doing this again

temptation might be

stronger than

my willpower

this could be an opportunity.

i f you promise t o let i t.

i f  you promise  t o  let  i t  grow.

i often wonder if some things 
    were just never meant
        to be let go.
letting go often makes me
     realize that we both
        have so much more
growing to do.

                           j u s t  d o n ' t  g r o w  i n t o  a  d i f f e r e n t  p e r s o n.